rising anxiety

i am getting more and more worried, anxious and edgy as this week progresses…i am currently running a solid 7 on a scale of 1-10…i would guess i’ll peak off the scale at about 11.3 on sunday aboooooout 9.25am.

why all this stress??? i am flying alone (with a hundred or so other potential victims)  out of heathrow at that time on austrian airlines for vienna. austrian airlines….sounds safe enough, right? i don’t care how safe it sounds~~~~these days, take off always makes me simultaneously sick to my stomach AND dizzy.  lovely combination, eh?


i’m fine the rest of the flight…and on my last flight back from chicago in april, i genuinely enjoyed watching the sun come up…

every flight presents different ratios of need/desire to get to the destination vs what is the attraction/purpose/carrot at the destination.

this is for work…i am traveling alone…..i have to make my way to the airport in london at some ungodly hour on sunday morning….. i have to find my way from vienna airport to my hotel on my own…vs….another stamp in my nearly fully stamped passport….it gives me a chance to explore what by all accounts is a lovely city…albeit alone…..oh, yeah and i will be attending an interesting conference.

i have been looking at some stuff about what there is to see and do…museums, palaces, great architecture…..



i am of course going for work though, so i will have to show my face at the conference, attend a few presentations and mix with people from my work…on a social level…..yuck…..a lot of smiling, small talk and fake enthusiasm on both parts…

today i got this email…

Hi Tracy
J (my boss)  asked me to let you know that he intends to organise dinner somewhere on Tuesday night.
Best Wishes
i know lots  people would kill for an invitation to join a group dinner with my boss (mainly up and coming navy blues) but it just sends me into a tizzy…what to wear? what to order? what to say?….not to sound like an ungrateful cow….but i think i’d rather be holed up in my hotel room, watching tv in several different languages…arrrrgggghhhhh!!!!
it all comes back to something i finally admitted to mr a yesterday~~~that maybe i am just not up to the demands of this job and should have stayed under my night shift rock…actually it was more along the lines that being an irresponsible drunk was maybe not such a bad option…..socialising and drawing attention to myself is one thing that wasn’t listed in the job description.
on the positive side, i did write and submit an appraisal of my progress and got a big “well done” from the chief nurse….so i must be doing something right?

4 thoughts on “rising anxiety

  1. I would think the anxiety about the flight should be the least of your problems! (There, don’t you feel better now??!!) I assume it’s a fairly short flight…and you can print out all kinds of maps to help you find your way from Point A to B to C, etc. I’m with you, though, on the social anxiety part of it. I prefer to explore on my own and eat in my room when I’ve been sent off for training sessions…

    Well, once you’ve landed and found your way to your hotel room, that will take care of a good portion of the anxiety and I hope you do enjoy your opportunity (even though it’s mixed with work) to explore what looks to be a very interesting city.

  2. is this the Sound of Music place?? how cool!! I hear ya on the social anxiety thing..I guess we are never out of HS.. I have been forcing myself to sharpen my social skills and get out as well. not fun.. but I spend too much time alone..LOL! Is that bad?? then again I’m in the US and I smiled to myself because a lady was eating in the buffet line and I know DH would be tsking that!! 🙂

  3. Ewww, gross!!! lol!! 🙂

    Maria, it’s bad to spend too much time alone if you are not a time alone person! Which I think you’re not, you’re such an extrovert. Laughing at the picture you’ve created of the buffet!

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