i don’t think my previous post made much sense even to me but that’s exactly how i feel…i can’t concentrate, my thoughts are all over the place and i don’t know what i want/need or even weirder what pisses me off!
that’s one thing i am reliable for…being really annoyed at something! but just like nothing really excites me~nothing really gets me angry anymore.
matt is coming in just over a month, that is the only thing that makes me perk up…on a scale of 1>10 in my current state it only hits about 5…and it’s nothing to do with him…
i was looking at around the world plane tickets just to get an idea for the paper i’m writing…something that in the past would have sent me into hours of blissful daydreaming…nothing-nada…couldn’t really think of someplace i’d like to go and just felt it would be so much hassle to carry bags around through all those airports….
i was standing by my front door waiting for a taxi to work sunday morning, looking at the piece of glass hanging there (that i made)…clear, textured glass surrounded by blue, green and yellow…do you think i was inspired? proud?admiring how it sparkled?? nope….all i could think about was the crappy frame and how i used two slightly different colours of green…no joy at all…
i know everyone will say it’s the mental menopause or just plain middle age or some other crap…maybe it is but this is what i always thought being on anti depressant would be like…feeling flat…..no ups and downs….and i never wanted that. i thought menopause was all ups and downs and mood swings…other than my big waterworks last week i’ve been amazingly without drama….although maybe i should ask mr a about that.
so, today i am up at my usual insanely perfect wake up time of 8am…i will be attempting t least a partial canal walk to town (barring rain) to collect yet more articles that julie has printed out for me, i will be looking for a nursing research book to have for myself, i need a notebook to put the articles in and i may look for a pair of sweat pants….
where does all that hit on the aforementioned excitement scale??? about 1.5