all muddled up

i don’t think my previous post made much sense even to me but that’s exactly how i feel…i can’t concentrate, my thoughts are all over the place and i don’t know what i want/need or even weirder what pisses me off!

that’s one thing i am reliable for…being really annoyed at something! but just like nothing really excites me~nothing really gets me angry anymore.

matt is coming in just over a month, that is the only thing that makes me perk up…on a scale of 1>10 in my current state it only hits about 5…and it’s nothing to do with him…

i was looking at around the world plane tickets just to get an idea for the paper i’m writing…something that in the past would have sent me into hours of blissful daydreaming…nothing-nada…couldn’t really think of someplace i’d like to go and just felt it would be so much hassle to carry bags around through all those airports….

i was standing by my front door waiting for a taxi to work sunday morning, looking at the piece of glass hanging there (that i made)…clear, textured glass surrounded by blue, green and yellow…do you think i was inspired? proud?admiring how it sparkled?? nope….all i could think about was the crappy frame and how i used two slightly different colours of green…no joy at all…

i know everyone will say it’s the mental menopause  or just plain middle age or some other crap…maybe it is but this is what i always thought being on anti depressant would be like…feeling flat… ups and downs….and i never wanted that. i thought menopause was all ups and downs and mood swings…other than my big waterworks last week i’ve been amazingly without drama….although maybe i should ask mr a about that.

so, today i am up at my usual insanely perfect wake up time of 8am…i will be attempting t least a partial canal walk to town (barring rain) to collect yet more articles that julie has printed out for me, i will be looking for a nursing research book to have for myself, i need a notebook to put the articles in and i may look for a pair of sweat pants….

where does all that hit on the aforementioned excitement scale??? about 1.5

One thought on “all muddled up

  1. Man…can I holy-relate-to-that right now. I have gone from angry to weeping to just plain fuck all in about 1 hour. I am not pms-ing either. This is the worst I have EVER been. Most things on a daily basis rate a 10+ on the piss-me-off meter but as far as the ‘look forward to’s’ barely a 5. Help! What can be done about this short from begging any poor sap to loan me flight money to get the hell out of this sponge of a country!?

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