is this happy?

i have struggled in the past with life…i’ve never had it easy (who has?) but i never had those “wow!  my life is so amazing” moments. it’s been more about stumbling from one disaster to the next and making slow, hard fought progress. the good times were always the absence of emotional pain and poverty mixed with a few very sweet moments of success!

for the last few years i have struggled with where the grass is greener…literally. as a long term expat, my view of life here in england and back in the US is kind of like looking in one of those carnival mirrors~distorted. things i remember in the US have changed and my perceptions of what it is like to live in england has definitely changed.

i am lucky to have a job that has taken unemployment out of the picture, i have “job security”….but sometimes that is a double edge sword.  for a long time going back was too easy, like falling off a log.

the biggest magnetic pull is my kids and my mom…my reason for staying here has always been my other half, my english man friend…

i always felt like a spilt personality, i wasn’t comfortable here but i couldn’t make the break and move back.

after a year of ups and downs living together, recent upgrades in the living space, having my son visit in march and my upcoming trip home in august…. i feel like i’ve finally reached a balance. i feel like i can build on what i have without worrying about other things slipping away.

so, the question for me is…is this what people call happiness?? is this quiet, contented feeling better than the anxiety and drama of my previous 30 adult years???

the answer is….fuck, yeah!!!

3 thoughts on “is this happy?

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