therapuetic cleaning

i spent all day…and i ask my washing machine if you want to dispute that….cleaning, organizing and dusting…lots of dusting! i cleaned glass, polished and unpacked some books…my house is sparkling!!!

mr a quite astutely pointed out that me cleaning is not necessarily a good thing. in my case, cleaning indicates a strong need to gain control of what i percieve as the uncontrollable…. i have a support group

in the midst of this previously planned therapuetic cleaning marathon i recieved a call from my sister. let’s just say my sister has never called me in the last decade. we had a lovely visit when i was home in august and i love her and her family dearly but we don’t chat on the phone.

“dad died last night”

at first i thought she meant my step dad-the man with the broken back….but after a few more sentences i realized she meant “our dad”.  it’s a long difficult story which can be summarized as the happiest childhood a girl could wish for and culminated at 16 with never seeing my dad again

i tried over the years but alcoholism, mental illness and plain old stuborness would not permit healing and adult relationships. i sent him photos of my kids but he seemed uninterested.

my siblings may feel differently but my dad was a creative, imaginative person. he taught me lots of interesting things and i actually owe my entire air force career to him.

i used to bug him in his workshop…asking what he was doing, can i do this, that or the other? he’d give me a job-half hoping i’d lose interest- but i would persevere.

when i took the air force test all the electronics he’d taught me….series v parallel circuits, capacitors, resistors, positve/negative charges etc came to the fore and i was in with an electronics job!

my dad left me as a teenager, he never fully came back into my life but i always hoped he would have a *lightbulb* moment where he would say he was sorry and ask for another chance to be a dad. now that chance is gone.

6 thoughts on “therapuetic cleaning

  1. Oh TRacy.. I am so sorry.. I knew your FB status sounded a bit final but now I get it.. Sorry.. Coming from a ‘colorful’ family as well.. it’s the loss opportunities and potential that can hurt just as bad as the loss.. Big hugs T. love you ..Do whatever you need to do. I guess your sis was closer to him?

  2. oh tracy, i am so very very sorry. that is such a hard loss to come to terms with. when i lost my dad five years ago, it was with knowing that we had come to be the best of friends over a lifetime (with a few adolescent bumps in the road). but my older half-sister had been estranged from him for decades and had just begun to reconnect — her loss was even worse than mine in some ways, because she lost what might have been.

    hugs and prayers with you. i am so sorry.

  3. thanks for the kind words, i have lived for so long without having him around i never really thought the reality would make a difference.

    my sister was slightly more connected but she hasn’t seen him since 1982 and he never saw any of the grandchildren. she’s been stuck talking to sheriffs and coroners and undertakers…not nice.

    terrible waste, i wish he’d have made different choices.

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