head spinning

first i hope everyone…someone took advantage of my dear, creative daughter’s website and is now the proud owner-giver of lovely unique, handmade jewelry.

recently, i have been chastised and questioned about my lack of internet availibility-i am struggling…there’s no other way to put it. struggling with my past, present and future-struggling with the have to’s, should have’s and want to’s-struggling with relationships

it all comes down to the fact that i am a child of divorce and more sadly i have inflicted the same pain on my children. from my own perspective, there are no winners, no happy stories. with divorce there is never enough love, money or time to go around….

 i am spending way too much time examining my life and all the events that got me to today-i want to move forward 

We can never go back to old things or try and get “the old kick” out of something or find things the way we remembered them. we have them as we remember them and they are fine and wonderful and we have to go on and have other things because they are nowhere except in our minds now.

hemmingway to bill horne, paris, 1923

 

 

4 thoughts on “head spinning

  1. yes and learning from the past is how we can change the past, because learning new perspectives and lessons revises our memories. i think its very zen- the past, present and future are all the same because they all exist in our minds.
    ps dont leave too soon- im planning a visit …

  2. oh tracy, i am a child of married parents, who were miserable together for most of their marriage, and who should have divorced by the time i was in my teens. my mother was very unhappy, my father treated her badly, and i ended up in a marriage (a second marriage i’ll point out) that bears so many similarities to my parents’ unhappy one, it makes me cringe. i hope that i have not passed along to my children a propensity for being unhappily married and believing such a marriage is okay 🙂

    i hope that the message i am sending to my kids now is that you can be in charge of your choices, whether it be to stay in a miserable marriage or to enter unchartered waters. the important thing is to know yourself and to live with integrity in my mind.

    please let go of the guilt — truly i think at least half of the people that stay married for a lifetime are very unhappy, they just choose a different path. i think our pasts influence our present and future choices, but i don’t believe in predetermined fate if you face those choices with awareness.

    i hope you regain your optimism after your reflections — your spirit and strength are much admired from this side of the atlantic 🙂

  3. thanks for your perspective, lynette. obviously i spend a lot of time playing what if? what if my parents had stayed together…what if i hadn’t been so stupid and married so young…

    obviously staying married doesn’t equal happiness. wish it was that simple.

  4. AMEN Hemingway! I am not the child of divorce parents…but it still had it’s fucked up way of being in any case! GOD…if I had a quarter for the times in the last few months when I have examined my life…I would not be in debt!! If you find a way to let go, move on and forgive yourself for all of it…please, help a sister out!!

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