2016 was not a good year

In fact I will contend that it was in the top 5 worst years of my whole life. And when you compare it with the year my parents got divorced and the year I found out (with three small children) that my husband of 15 years was addicted to heroin that’s some pretty stiff competition.

I’m not sure if i mentioned how it started – although technically it was the last week of 2015 it set the whole year off with a bang…or should I say squeak.

My then boyfriend, roommate, potential soulmate left for Christmas to visit his family on the east coast-totally fine, his parents are getting old and he wants to spend time with them. What wasn’t fine is that we had seen a few mice before he left and with his usual carefree, nothing will go wrong attitude he said he would wait til he got back to call an exterminator.

I’m all for taking responsibility and in this case I failed to express my very deep disgust for mice.

So we both have our nice respective Christmases except the day after he is still with his family but I am alone in his apartment. So, feeling a little lonely I take a nap and then go to run a bath. As I glance at the sink, I see this:img_0771

Now I don’t have great vision these days but I know something is up so I get closer to see what this is and of course what it is is a mouse-in the bathroom sink!

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I text this photo to boyfriend and this is where his supreme lack of concern takes on epic proportions-he replies “How cute!”

By the time he realizes that was probably not the best choice of responses I have my bags packed waiting for my sons to pick up my stuff.

This becomes the 2016 “mouse incident”. It becomes my go to example of how little regard he has for me.

At this time we are co-owners of a medical cannabis associated business which is having lots of issues and everything becomes more complicated and strained since we don’t talk to each other for most of January and February.

He periodically takes sides against me in the business and resorts to screaming at me and criticizing my lack of business knowledge-I’m just a “government worker”–I don’t have any management skills…even though I was only supposed to be an investor and have a full time job already.

By April, we kind of make up and I have surgery looming so he mans up and says he will take care of me afterward especially since I wasn’t able to drive for 6 weeks. The surgery went as well as could be expected but hey, surgery is not pleasant under any circumstances.

The undercurrent throughout this whole period is of course the presidential campaign and for whatever crazy reason my hippie peace loving boyfriend was enamoured and sucked in to the Trump bullshit. I really just ignored most of it thinking that he was either A) trying to get a rise out of me or B) just wanting attention by posting Trump shit on facebook. Either way, I tried to ignore it and honestly I don’t care who people voted for but I draw the line at listening to fake news at breakfast. Some of the insane items he tried to force down my throat were 1) Hilary had a neurological condition 2) Michelle Obama was a man 3)Michelle Obama never gave birth 4) of course Barack Obama was not born in the US 5) climate change is not real…

I give him credit for taking some good photos of my incision, img_1094picked me up promptly from work~~~~but I still did an awful lot for myself and for him during that time.

The other shoe dropped on July 15, 2016. the day of the attempted coup d’etat in Turkey. we were with his son at Chipoltle and still taking in the whole situation. Again keeping in mind that I lived in Turkey for one year, I have friends there and I just visited in 2015 and he knows that. He went on to tell his son that everyone who had been killed in the coup were Muslims and nobody should be surprised because the Koran tells Muslims to “kill”. WTF??? what the bloody fucking hell??

On the way home when I expressed my displeasure at his total disregard for facts and disputed his broad sweeping generalizations…he screamed at me me that I was “naive” and not as informed as him.

Again, I packed my belongings and left while he laid on the sofa playing with his phone. no apology. Later his excuse was that he’s Italian, he shouts, get over it.

in addition to this drama, my daughter got a divorce and my brother was undergoing chemo and all that associated palova.

The year has ended-the business has closed and I am single. i recently told my ex that I used to put up with bullshit in relationships, I have been trapped in unhappy relationships because of financial/legal constraints but no more. I have a home, a home he refused to live in and rarely even visited.

2017 is off to a good start. I got a bonus at work based on an excellent performance review, got a big fat tax refund, recovered some of the money I lost on the business and enjoying my grandson. I have a few vacation plans swirling around in my head~~

  • California drive vs fly. obviuosly driving makes it a cross country trek
  • England-canal boat
  • European vacation-fly to England, Eurostar to Paris, rent a car and drive to Italy. Stay in a quiet place in Italy and reverse.

 

England….again?

After living in England for 8 years, working as a nurse for 7 years and 180 days and having a small house over there… I maintain a precarious immigration status called ILR-Indefinite Leave to Remain.

It’s more than a work permit but less than citizenship. In the event that I eventually want to exercise my right to apply for British citizenship I will have to show:

  • Indefinite leave to remain or “equivalent” for this purpose must have been held for 12 months
  • the applicant must intend to continue to live in the UK or work overseas for the UK government or a British corporation or association
  • the same “good character” standards apply as for those married to British citizens
  • the same language and knowledge of life in the UK standards apply as for those married to British citizens

There is a caveat to ILR in that “intend to live in the UK”  is generally interpreted as no more than 2 years without a visit. So I have visited my friends and house/tenants 3 times in the past 6 years for the all important passport stamp in my second/expired passport that holds my ILR.

Once again in January, I traveled to England like I was just sporting off to the other side of town. Seriously, I have made this trip so many times it’s like second nature. On this trip I really thought about how this is the only place, of the many I have visited, that I have returned to again and again.

I have lots of emotional connections to this particular part of England and there are several friends I love to see

Maybe someday I’ll move back there…

Cat lesson

This break up stuff is hard. I’m somewhere between denial and bargaining.

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It would be so easy to just give in…he tried very hard to put lots of excuses and corrections to what I’ve said. It would be so easy to just suppress my feelings, forget those subtle but stinging comments.

When I was young I was more than happy to embrace my boyfriend/husbands life-his likes and dislikes, agree with his version of the world and always make the necessary changes to keep everyone happy.

I’m way past that.

The reality is that if I walk away from this relationship, I will die a single woman.

There will be no more relationships. This one was a lucky fluke but I won’t be putting myself out there again.

I’m working on plans/projects for the next few months. Isn’t that what they say you should do?

Reasons why you should break up

Break up mistakes

What not to do after a break up

It’s different for…

girls? yes, but “dating” and “relationships” are very different for middle-agers, with kids and years of baggage. On the occasions where I browse through online profiles of men my age (50+) I am momentarily attracted by the “never married, no kids” guy but on second thought I think there is something inherently creepy about a 50 year old man who’s longest relationship is under 2 years as some actually admit to.

I am equally repelled by the men who are looking for a date, relationship or even marriage and post a picture of themselves smiling with their children or even grandchildren…doesn’t exactly spell romance~~

I don’t know the details of my friend Julie’s current relationship other than they got along well, spent lots of time together over the last few months and now he needs his space or needs to spend more time with his kids which is squeezing her out. But I know the story and put up with it on a weekly basis.

No matter how good, fun or enjoyable our time together is come Saturday morning at 10am or whatever his designated pick up time is…it’s ta-ta. okay his son is still young, under 15 and I know that very soon his son will want to spend more time with his friends than with his dad but still…

I’m not terribly upset or insulted and welcome the break to do my own thing but still…

Relationships sure do get complicated as you get older.

 

The most important lesson I learned from getting a ring stuck on my finger

If the ring doesn’t slide on easily, don’t force it.
I think this lesson also applies to relationships. I don’t think I am a particularly demanding woman…I’ve always worked, worked very hard and been a decent girlfriend/partner/wife as far as the cooking, cleaning and sex. Men seem to enjoy the benefits of a wife when it suits their needs, forgetting it’s a two way street.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable after years…not months but years of “proving” I’m not a nut case, I should expect the other half of the relationship to step up and c-c-c-commit. I’m not suggesting a big white wedding but how about a living arrangement that doesn’t require me to pack pajamas ??
Okay, I’m not perfect-I can be moody, melancholy, weepy and even angry on occasion but does that make me unsuitable to live with?
Don’t want to be my man? Fine but I’m not waiting around till we can buy a big enough house in a perfect location or you get promoted to Vice President or gold coins rain down from the sky…I’m moving on with my life.
I think this is my last comment about this subject…
The ironic thing about the men who don’t/didn’t want to commit to me when they had the chance? They tend to regret that decision later.

there is always a reason

I have had friends and relationships that were….ummmm…..less than perfect. There’s always an element of need and willingness to give involved. I have been on both sides of that- meaning I have been the needy one and I have also been the one more than willing to do/give anything….

So tonight I made a tasty treat-avocado with stilton grilled to melt the cheese. The loveliness of this snack/appetizer is the salty flavor of the stilton cheese with the creamy goodness of the avocado.

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Now where did I learn about this delicious combination, you might ask?

From a small, unpleasant man I had a relationship with….so like I said there is always a reason someone comes into your life…even if it’s only for a tasty recipe