What’s your vice?

I think it only fair that after several posts about the struggles my son was going through, I share a view from the other side. I’ve never tried to hide my life as a single mom and try to be honest with myself and everyone else that my kids did not have the best of me growing up. I was so torn between supporting a disintegrating husband/marriage and just plain working to pay the bills, it was survival most of the time, plain and simple.

I went to England for various reasons~exploring something new, running away from old pain, coming out of a dark place.

Unfortunately, my older son got lost in the shuffle, I need to step up and make up for that.

My son has a typical story, starting smoking pot young, kept smoking pot, wanted and tried to quit many times and when he finally got serious about quitting, he got anxious, depressed and paranoid.

Be neither proud nor ashamed of your vices

Obviously in the whole scheme of things I wish none of my kids would have any “issues” but the reality is there is a whole spectrum of “vices” including gambling, heroin, extra marital affairs, alcohol, shopping, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsion, self-harming…

Smoking pot is pretty middle of the road and as the whole country goes “legal” it’s important to remember that there are plenty of legal vices so it’s just a matter of degree. I go shopping, have a drink and buy a lottery ticket but I don’t spend money I don’t have or drive home drunk.

I know from experience that it is a fine line between between recreational pot smoking and being dependent on smoking pot. Happy to say my son has, after several months of distress, quit smoking pot and is pretty much a new person! Engaged, motivated, relaxed~

I am heading back to New York on Friday ~on the train~ to spend next week with my Easter baby on his 30th birthday. With an interview at New York Presbyterian Hospital. More big decisions!!!

 

 

winding down

I flew (in a plane) to New York today. I tried to remember how long it’s been since I was here…it’s been about 20 ish years. Long time!

Queens is not Manhattan. Queens is working class, immigrant and grungy…after a long winter most places are looking pretty dull.

I hope the weather clears up for the weekend so we can get out to a beach or park or something for a nice, relaxing walk.

I am starting to unwind from work…haven’t thought about it all day…in fact, work? what’s that??

off to NYC

I am flying out to New York …City…Queens…Long Island City…38th street…my son’s hood. That is the purpose of this visit~to visit my son and experience his New York. It is long awaited and way overdue.

I am not thrilled with flying but I have to say that as I threw stuff in my well traveled back pack…I got tingle of excitement.

maybe I am just addicted to travel

is there a 12 step program?

not the day I planned

I woke up early..as planned

I jumped into my homework with my very first sip of coffee…as planned

I finished up after 4 hours of brain busting …as planned

As I was moving onto my next planned activity I was called by my son, my only child that still speaks to his dad. My son told me his dad who has a strong attraction to mood altering substances, was “flipping out”…”having an “anxiety attack” …there were several descriptions of his behavior and what might be causing it.

My son lives in New York, my ex lives here so in the end I asked my son-“do you want me to go over there?, I will do it for you, not for him”. He asked and I went.

That’s how over 10 years of being comfortably detached from my ex-I got sucked back in.

I knew this would happen which is why I resisted my son’s casual comments about “having a cup of coffee with dad”. I met with ex, he actually looked better than I thought. His mind is on its way out though…as most drug users get in their mid 50’s. He’s on a continuous loop of inappropriate commentary about his favorite subject-him. It’s funny to hear him acknowledge that he is a “narcissist” and without pause go on talking about himself.

I spent an hour or so and confirmed that he didn’t need to go to a hospital. I remained amazingly calm-no yelling or screaming which proves what I tell people. I told him everything I had to say during our exceptionally long separation…over and over again…at full volume.

I’m proud to say I am truly over it. I don’t let him off the hook when it comes to the kids but there is nothing I can say that could make him feel worse than he already does. Mostly, I feel sorry for him.

I left him dodging his request for my phone number, went on to my other chores which included a stop at pet smart. I thought about getting him a cat to keep him company.

reasons to be hopeful

The last two weeks have been hard…very emotional

My son is suffering, he’s lost his confidence, he can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, he thinks his life is never going to improve.

I have tried every possible way I can think of to make him understand that we all have bad days, weeks, months and sometimes even years. Some times we lose what is important and have to start over. It’s not easy…sometimes it is painfully difficult but it can be done

I should know

I have been there

I was able to give my son a car, got new tires and some other work done. He planned to drive back to New York today but spent all day yesterday fretting about the snowstorm that was dumping another 4-8 inches of snow. It’s one thing to be cautiously concerned but it’s a different level to imagine a 50 car pile up where people get killed and skidding of the road into a ditch.

He drove back today with a friend, all 808.5 miles. It was sunny, roads clear, no problems.

I hope…pray even that this will be the kick start for his rejuvenation

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laughs and warm feelings

last night older distraught son and I went to my 92 year old aunts house to hang out with her and her daughter-my very opinionated cousin. Truth is neither is a blood relation to me but are related to my ex husband and kids. The reason I would go to the end  of the earth for this little old lady is because there was a time that neither y family or my in-laws could be bothered to help me and my kids and “my aunt” opened her home and her heart for us and made us feel a part of her big Italian family.

She has a special place for number one son, he stayed with her for awhile and she fed him…a mutual love affair…she loves to feed people and he loves to eat!!!

One thing about my sons…both of them…they are so polite, considerate, friendly, interesting, articulate…that’s not just their mom talking. I know lots of other nieces, nephews, cousins who are sullen, rude and off their head on drugs-not my sons. I actually had a 16 year old niece come to a wedding shower and sit in the corner reading a book the whole time?!?

 

Not my sons…sometimes I hear them talking to people at a party and I just look dumbfounded…like who is this person? All I get is a grunt and now he is talking to an adult he’s never met about the price of gold and the long term impact on the IMF quantitative easing…blah, blah, blah…

But anyway we had a lovely visit… my aunt and cousin had my son smiling and laughing and smiling and laughing some more…we looked at old pictures and my aunts guest book that goes back to 1947.

It didn’t last long…