Caregiver’s Holiday

I am at loose ends

being hit from all sides-because it’s not not like I’m some spinster with nothing and nobody else to worry about…

I have a full-time job, 3 adult children in various stages of divorce, under-employment, quarter life angst….and  a boyfriend who just wants me to be “close to him”. Really?

Did I mention I have my own surgery coming up April 28th?

The reality is I am close to tears most of the time as in all day, every day. Almost anything anyone says to me-good, bad or indifferent (hate indifferent) sets off a cascade of physical reactions. My heart races and my head gets very warm. I can’t think, I pace, I mumble and take deep breaths.

Recognizing this crisis situation, I now have an appointment with a counselor on Monday. I’m not sure I will make it to Monday or if counseling will help. Today I considered calling the vets crisis line…I am a vet…Xanax seems like a good option.

Oh, wait-I titled this post “caregiver’s holiday” and forgot that I actually went away overnight last weekend. Feeling the need to escape and disappear I booked a posh room at a nice hotel about 100 miles away for BF (boyfriend) and me. The hotel was fab, he was mediocre. No, I do not feel rested or rejuvenated – the room as nice as it was did not have a bath…

I’m back to the same incessant demands-my brother is now complaining about the water pressure in my house. Not once but several times…with links to wikipedia and plumbers.

He is now 5 weeks in and is feeling the effects of the chemo and radiation. He says he is cold all the time-he has a space heater set at 82 degrees and still wears a hoodie. The radiation is causing swelling in his neck and he is coughing a lot.

The silver lining on this dark, dark cloud is that we are entering birthday season in the Inner Fire family. Everyone except my daughter in law has birthdays between now and June 24th. The plan is to squeeze in as many summer nights around this puppy as we can!




driving in fog

I am a certified worrier, I make myself sick and depressed worrying not so much about myself but about those around me and the world in general.

This week I was in my alternate state of mind which is to be completely spaced out just letting anything come into my head. I had a very clear visual of what worrying feels like and why I need to stop.


I think worrying is like driving in the fog- that hyper-vigilent state of trying to see into the darkness around you. It’s stressful and tiring. Maybe you can’t just plow on blindly but you can pull over and stop for a break, slow down or take a different route?

Other things

Under stress people cope in different ways. I am increasingly desperate to retire to the country and raise chickens, grow vegetables, gather a collection of pets…waiting for some little people to call me granny.

In the meantime, I have started looking into my genealogy on that popular website.

I knew that 3 of my grandparents were German but thought all my life the key person, my paternal grandfather, was Irish. He and all the men before him back to the 1700’s were Scottish. Renfrew, Glasgow Scotland specifically. I have long wanted to visit Glasgow over its more tourist friendly big brother Edinborough because of its association with Rennie Macintosh.


So this family tree thing is a little harder than I thought….and it is becoming a feminist thing. Despite having a mostly immigrant family, I can find loads of stuff about the men…the ladies?  more tricky.

Their lasting identity is their married name. Men have naturalization papers, WW1 draft registration cards, ship manifests~~~the women were too busy at home to make any impact on social registers. I have yet to come across a woman in my family that didn’t have at least 5 children.

Anna Weber and Theresa Garber, who were you before you married Julius and Micheal???

Theresa and Micheal are a particularly endearing couple. They arrived in this country separately in 1906, Micheal had $7 in his pocket but they married in 1907 and subsequently had 6 daughters. (#2 being my grandma)

So much more pleasant than reading today’s news~~

my move

Partly in response to the ridiculously slow pace of hiring at my job but also for personal reasons, I have applied for a job in New York. Yes, in. new. york. city.

I really enjoyed visiting a few weeks ago and of course my son lives there…why not?

I can’t say I would look forward to another move, not sure how all the details would come together. My Pilsen lover is originally from New Jersey, his elderly are there and not sure if i would rent my house out here…

but sometimes the best response to stress is to have another option.

So I have a Skype interview Tuesday morning.


night sweats

I hate to revisit an old disturbing medical issue but…..I continue or have resumed having night sweats and/or afternoon hot flashes also.

In medical terms the differential diagnosis would be something like:

menopause v. alcohol v. TB v. some scary leukemia

I have at times felt like I am~~ a.) melting….b.) going crazy….c.) having a nervous breakdown….d.) all of the above.

not a good place to be when A.) your adult son(s) are struggling in a shitty economy B.) you are a very experienced bedside but academically challenged nurse pursuing a masters degree C.) degree is required for a desired promotion.

most nights I just kind of toss and turn….blankets on~blankets off

the other night I had a distinct jolt awake at 3am…no reason just like someone kicked me awake.

open to suggestions…

infections R us

I really love my job-I am able to control my time. Unfortunately, the last 6 months have been “tense”. The long term person who seemed to know everything turned out to be a self serving, manipulating, data hiding, lying cunt…. simples.

In June I started talking to my boss about it, she said she would work on it but as time went on nothing much changed.

I knew another position was opening up in the hospital, even my boss asked if I was going to apply when it was posted.

One day already at my max limit, we had a meting with the Chicago Dept of Health. thW33NH77T

We had a patient who tested positive for TB-at the end of the day 400+employees had been exposed to this patient-without masks…during this very important meeting another co-worker (the cunt’s friend) who has maintained a strict 8am-4pm schedule (we are salaried)….got up from the meeting at 3.30pm….and left for the day.

The importance of this meeting can not be overstated as the Dept of Health actually has the power to close or fine our hospital for serious violations. The rudeness and unprofessionalism of a staff member leaving in the middle of the meeting was significant to everyone.

I was sick to my stomach, frustrated and called in sick the next two days, submitted my application for the other job, interviewed, accepted, resigned…

then a week later my boss resigned

then later the same day the cunt resigned

keeping count? that’s 3 resignations in a 5 person department….

So I decided to stay!!!

I’m really sorry my boss is leaving, she has family/personal issues but the cunt??? I was sooooo happy I wanted to put up signs sayingthLQYJIPJS