Feeling empty

After struggling with another demand-this time for more water pressure and being berated for my parenting skills from someone who daughters refuse contact with him…

I am feeling numb-like nothing bothers me any more. I don’t even feel the need to say it~it’s obvious~I just am not bothered.

Even my BF could’t get me a rise out of me and he is a champion chain puller.

I was telling a nurse at work about some of my trials and tribulations about life on “the other side”…being a caregiver not the nurse. She said she experienced the same thing with wives of men who had just had cardiac surgery. She told the wives that the men were rude, inpatient and demanding of the wives because they trusted them. They were sweet as pie to the nurses because they depended on them for ice chips and pain medicine. I have to agree and say I like being the nurse more than the caregiver.

My brother said he wanted to see a Van Gogh exhibit at the Art Institute so I got a membership so he could go a few times. Today the card came in the mail and I said let’s go Sunday.

He says “Why Sunday?”

I said well, Saturday or Sunday whatever you want…to which he replies but “Why this Sunday?”

I said well, the Van Gogh exhibit ends May 11 so just keep that in mind, doesn’t have to be this weekend but..to which he replies “Then we need to go sooner rather than later”

Okaaaaay, so I guess we are going this Sunday

That’s my life in a nutshell~~Happy Friday!

A nap is an amazing thing

I am tired lately, worryingly tired…no matter how much I sleep I just want more…

That works pretty well in the winter when there’s not much else to do but now that spring has officially hit Chicago~I’ve got things to do, places to go~~~~

That’s where a good powernap comes in. Today after slacking at work all morning, walking with my group and then having an extended lunch at Stax I blew off work completely at 2pm and went home. I was soooo sleepy, embarrassingly sleepy in the middle of the day that I crawled in bed for a nap.photo-main

45 minutes and an iced coffee later I am raring to go!!

I guess it would come as no surprise that I was…have always been a champion sleeper…here’s the 411 on adult napping for brain power.


In England we slept on the night shift and virtually every time I would think~I’ll never fall asleep~~~wrong! I never failed to sleep and even the 20 minute nap can get you through a long night shift!

Anyway,I have two major papers left to write for school and lots of gardening to do this weekend.

They are predicting 70 degrees tomorrow and I intend to enjoy every fucking minute even if it includes a nap in the garden!


still here

some people may be wondering if i am still alive…i am. back to my regular routine but with a slight twist, i have my ipod which gives my transportation trials a dreamy quality and i am looking at things in a new way.

last night, i turned in the re-write of a paper i wrote last march so this weekend for the first time in months, i am completely free of any form of hard thinking.

i cleaned up the front garden this week but the grass in the back is cat shoulder high and in desperate need of a mow!

i have considered tackling a real creative activity…maybe a quick stained glass project? definitely going to be catching up on fun stuff!

a day off!

i was thinking that i am so tired…that i really haven’t had a day off in ages~~~

guess what? i haven’t had one proper full day off since the 11-12 july!!!

so i am taking it easy today, the weather says 69 and sunny, i have lots of puttering to do around the house and tomorrow i will do a few hours work on my exel spreadsheet.

Thanks to my friend seb who brought me a little plant for my office, once i get my laptop i will be able to do more work there. i may try to whip up a small piece of stained glass to put in the window since it does have some nice big windows…..

more later~~~

don’t expect too much from me…

i took james to the airport this morning after a night shift…had a good mom’s cry at the airport and fought back the tears most of the way home. i have two more night shifts so i will be a tired, raw bundle of emotions for quite a few days.

i knew this was coming for ages but it’s only when i walked in and saw so much of his stuff gone that even though it still feels like he is just at school, i know he won’t be here when i come home tomorrow….or the next day…

when i left him at the airport i felt every single time i have walked away from my mom to catch a plane, train or automobile all at once…it was not nice.

he was calm and cool and telling me everything would be okay but i know a chapter has ended and for the first time in 28 years i don’t have a child living with me.

he’s landed at newark new jersey and should be catching his flight to chicago soon.

i’m just really tired and wishing i didn’t have to go to work…i’ll be fine…..

recovery day

i worked two long days tuesday and wednesday…as in two, busy, running around, no sitting down, 12 hour LONG DAYS!!!! it was nice in some ways, really tested my skills…and nice that someone has the confidence to give me two challenging assignments. the first day i had two patients and a new nurse for the early shift…her second shift, i think they thought they were giving me a helper but really it’s a lot of work to have someone new with you. instead of me just doing my thing, i had to explain everything and check what she did…so it’s more like double work! nothing wrong with her, she was really good and i think she will do well but with two patients i couldn’t really give her the attention she deserved. i ended the shift feeling quite guilty about not getting some things done, i felt like i could have/should have done more…

my star patient that everyone was asking about was the guy who stabbed his wife 23 times and then during the police scuffle which included a tazer at some point, he slit his throat. he did a pretty good job, went through the esophagus and trachea but missed his major vessels like the jugular and carotids…

he has lots of previous visits to the A&E/ER for drunken falls, brawls and general mayhem injuries like broken jaws, fingers lacerations etc…see a pattern?? anyway, his wife is okay, she’s home…he is in a psychotic catatonic state and going to a mental hospital or prison.

i was amazed that he had two police officers with him and he was handcuffed to the bed!! the handcuffs came after he tried to jump out of a 5th floor window.

i took crazy man to xray for a barium swallow and he is stiff as a board and the doctor wanted him turned in all sorts of contortionist positions which he didn’t like and he showed his displeasure by coughing forcefully and projectively spewing sputum from his tracheostomy. the outpatient xray staff did not appreciate his poor manners and the very old, near retirement nurse thought maybe all he needed was someone to whisper in his ear and gently rub his temples…which she did. i would love to have seen her get a big glob of snot hurled at her… she was so naive. i wanted to ask her if she thought maybe his wife should have tried that before he stabbed her 23 times???

hey, i am full of compassion and all that but when i am in a different department …one that did not even have wall oxygen, i might add….on my own because they didn’t feel i needed a doctor…my responsibility is to make sure the guy doesn’t lose the ability to breath and believe me the way we were turning him that was a possibility…the thought of rubbing his temples just never really occurred to me….

did i mention i had two patients?? the other one was no less stressful but in a completely different way. he was old, old…with cancer and i was told DNR…ha! after over an hour listening to an interesting discussion between the consultant and his 5 (FIVE!!!! very nice, well educated) children…he was DNR no more…i really had to bite my tongue and say {please don’t do this} ironically the next day they did put him back to DNR…see how easy it is?

i really don’t have the energy to recount the whole discussion and truthfully i have alot of respect for this family because even though they had varying levels of commitment for continuing treatment they were really thoughtful and supportive of each other…none of the usual dysfunctional family stuff.

so that was only my first day…

the second day was not much better…i guess i can just say wash, rinse and repeat…except i was the pod leader on the second day…i’ve noticed that we have a lot of new people and i feel like they are always clustered around me. i’m happy to help anyone but after 3pm on my second long busy day it’s just a little hard to keep up that smiling….no problem attitude.

that’s why today is recovery day…remember a few weeks ago when my house was all tidied up and organized….a distant memory now…i’ll be lucky if i get through all the dirty dishes!!!