2016 was not a good year

In fact I will contend that it was in the top 5 worst years of my whole life. And when you compare it with the year my parents got divorced and the year I found out (with three small children) that my husband of 15 years was addicted to heroin that’s some pretty stiff competition.

I’m not sure if i mentioned how it started – although technically it was the last week of 2015 it set the whole year off with a bang…or should I say squeak.

My then boyfriend, roommate, potential soulmate left for Christmas to visit his family on the east coast-totally fine, his parents are getting old and he wants to spend time with them. What wasn’t fine is that we had seen a few mice before he left and with his usual carefree, nothing will go wrong attitude he said he would wait til he got back to call an exterminator.

I’m all for taking responsibility and in this case I failed to express my very deep disgust for mice.

So we both have our nice respective Christmases except the day after he is still with his family but I am alone in his apartment. So, feeling a little lonely I take a nap and then go to run a bath. As I glance at the sink, I see this:img_0771

Now I don’t have great vision these days but I know something is up so I get closer to see what this is and of course what it is is a mouse-in the bathroom sink!

IMG_0772

I text this photo to boyfriend and this is where his supreme lack of concern takes on epic proportions-he replies “How cute!”

By the time he realizes that was probably not the best choice of responses I have my bags packed waiting for my sons to pick up my stuff.

This becomes the 2016 “mouse incident”. It becomes my go to example of how little regard he has for me.

At this time we are co-owners of a medical cannabis associated business which is having lots of issues and everything becomes more complicated and strained since we don’t talk to each other for most of January and February.

He periodically takes sides against me in the business and resorts to screaming at me and criticizing my lack of business knowledge-I’m just a “government worker”–I don’t have any management skills…even though I was only supposed to be an investor and have a full time job already.

By April, we kind of make up and I have surgery looming so he mans up and says he will take care of me afterward especially since I wasn’t able to drive for 6 weeks. The surgery went as well as could be expected but hey, surgery is not pleasant under any circumstances.

The undercurrent throughout this whole period is of course the presidential campaign and for whatever crazy reason my hippie peace loving boyfriend was enamoured and sucked in to the Trump bullshit. I really just ignored most of it thinking that he was either A) trying to get a rise out of me or B) just wanting attention by posting Trump shit on facebook. Either way, I tried to ignore it and honestly I don’t care who people voted for but I draw the line at listening to fake news at breakfast. Some of the insane items he tried to force down my throat were 1) Hilary had a neurological condition 2) Michelle Obama was a man 3)Michelle Obama never gave birth 4) of course Barack Obama was not born in the US 5) climate change is not real…

I give him credit for taking some good photos of my incision, img_1094picked me up promptly from work~~~~but I still did an awful lot for myself and for him during that time.

The other shoe dropped on July 15, 2016. the day of the attempted coup d’etat in Turkey. we were with his son at Chipoltle and still taking in the whole situation. Again keeping in mind that I lived in Turkey for one year, I have friends there and I just visited in 2015 and he knows that. He went on to tell his son that everyone who had been killed in the coup were Muslims and nobody should be surprised because the Koran tells Muslims to “kill”. WTF??? what the bloody fucking hell??

On the way home when I expressed my displeasure at his total disregard for facts and disputed his broad sweeping generalizations…he screamed at me me that I was “naive” and not as informed as him.

Again, I packed my belongings and left while he laid on the sofa playing with his phone. no apology. Later his excuse was that he’s Italian, he shouts, get over it.

in addition to this drama, my daughter got a divorce and my brother was undergoing chemo and all that associated palova.

The year has ended-the business has closed and I am single. i recently told my ex that I used to put up with bullshit in relationships, I have been trapped in unhappy relationships because of financial/legal constraints but no more. I have a home, a home he refused to live in and rarely even visited.

2017 is off to a good start. I got a bonus at work based on an excellent performance review, got a big fat tax refund, recovered some of the money I lost on the business and enjoying my grandson. I have a few vacation plans swirling around in my head~~

  • California drive vs fly. obviuosly driving makes it a cross country trek
  • England-canal boat
  • European vacation-fly to England, Eurostar to Paris, rent a car and drive to Italy. Stay in a quiet place in Italy and reverse.

 

A good deed

I know my brother is lonely. I know that he is bored particularly since the weather has turned cold and he can’t get out on his bike. I feel bad that I don’t come home after a long day at work chirpy and dying to chit-chat. I also feel bad that every time I turn around my brother has another demand. With the last one I wanted to say tell me about your living arrangement in China…did you have a concierge service that you submitted all your requests to???

After a rather trying end of last week into Saturday, I spent a lovely day with my daughter and grandson at the conservatory. One of the problems around here is that my grandson is very selective about who he wants to spends time with and specifically screams at the sight of my brother. Mixed gatherings such as Thanksgiving and any old meal time or party are very problematic.

Luckily, I was feeling slightly more relaxed -I still had to make a trip into work to clear the OR’s after some work was done. Surprising even my self I asked my brother if he wanted to take the ride into my workplace just to get out. He nearly jumped off his seat like I was dangling a few $100 bills in front of him! He was in his shoes and jacket in a heartbeat panting like a dog at the door.

We drove to my work and enjoyed the city skyline at night, he waited while I did my little inspection and we headed to the chain home store for a special lightbulb. He was pleasant and agreeable the whole time.

As we headed home he motioned towards a Taco Bell-3 crunchy tacos!

He’s much easier for me to deal with when he isn’t breathing down my neck. He was even more relaxed when I got home today. I can do this.

 

Caregiver’s Holiday

I am at loose ends

being hit from all sides-because it’s not not like I’m some spinster with nothing and nobody else to worry about…

I have a full-time job, 3 adult children in various stages of divorce, under-employment, quarter life angst….and  a boyfriend who just wants me to be “close to him”. Really?

Did I mention I have my own surgery coming up April 28th?

The reality is I am close to tears most of the time as in all day, every day. Almost anything anyone says to me-good, bad or indifferent (hate indifferent) sets off a cascade of physical reactions. My heart races and my head gets very warm. I can’t think, I pace, I mumble and take deep breaths.

Recognizing this crisis situation, I now have an appointment with a counselor on Monday. I’m not sure I will make it to Monday or if counseling will help. Today I considered calling the vets crisis line…I am a vet…Xanax seems like a good option.

Oh, wait-I titled this post “caregiver’s holiday” and forgot that I actually went away overnight last weekend. Feeling the need to escape and disappear I booked a posh room at a nice hotel about 100 miles away for BF (boyfriend) and me. The hotel was fab, he was mediocre. No, I do not feel rested or rejuvenated – the room as nice as it was did not have a bath…

I’m back to the same incessant demands-my brother is now complaining about the water pressure in my house. Not once but several times…with links to wikipedia and plumbers.

He is now 5 weeks in and is feeling the effects of the chemo and radiation. He says he is cold all the time-he has a space heater set at 82 degrees and still wears a hoodie. The radiation is causing swelling in his neck and he is coughing a lot.

The silver lining on this dark, dark cloud is that we are entering birthday season in the Inner Fire family. Everyone except my daughter in law has birthdays between now and June 24th. The plan is to squeeze in as many summer nights around this puppy as we can!

IMG_0888

 

 

“because the MTA blows”

Those were not my words but what I was thinking was probably worse. This morning, on my very first commute to my new job….an ungodly hot, humid September morning I got the the elevated subway platform and heard an announcement that “due to an incident on the tracks” my train was ending early and listing the alternative routes-none of which I was familiar with.

It soon became useless information as 1, 2, 3, 4….5 trains came and went completely packed!!! It was only for the extremely aggressive and contortionist type of person who could get on.

As I was waiting for the 6th train a man with his young (3-4 yr old) son and pregnant wife appeared on the platform. the little boy all chipper and oblivious to the hot and bothered commuters was asking the usual questions~~

Daddy, when is the train coming? soon…daddy why are there so many people here? because they are going to work….daddy, is the train coming? no, not yet…. daddy, why isn’t the train coming?

This is when pregnant, sweating mommy interjects…because the MTA blows

The little boy says what? mommy what? it’s broken? and the daddy with the patience of a saint says yes, because it’s broken….

I can’t judge the MTA on just one commute, I’ll have a full report on Friday about whether I agree with the pregnant mom that indeed the MTA does blow.

Exiting quietly

Two more days…just two more days before I leave my current employer…for the second time! Last time I moved to England.

I was in the hospital today and saw lots of people, obviously for the last time or what I assume will be the last time. I walked around with the newest person in our office and was proud to show her the advantages of working with the nurses and doctors, building personal relationships. She is sharp, energetic, interested and she has a personality, unlike her predecessor.

The new Associate Director who is very full of herself and her new title is proving to have much less substance. She is droning on about all kinds of long term possibilities while ignoring the immediate issues.

She has taken off 6 days in her first 8 weeks of employment. 4 days in my last 2 weeks. So even though she keeps talking about how much she needs to learn from me before I go if you’re not there….

Unfortunately, despite her taking off Monday and Tuesday and then making me look at pics of her daughter waiting for the bus for her first day of high school (torture enough), she thinks it’s okay to keep me at work til 4pm to catch up on what we could have done earlier in the week.

Tomorrow is my small lunch leaving do at my favorite diner near work-Stax

th (1)

facebookless

About 6 months ago I “deactivated” my account because you can never really delete yourself or leave facebook permanently. I can’t say I was ever a huge user but it was an easy way to stay connected and do a bit of snooping…on occasion.

I do miss it sometimes, I have to find other ways to communicate with my friends but when I read this

Mark Zuckerberg is now richer than Google co-founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page.

The Facebook chairman added $US1.6 billion ($1.7 billion) to his fortune as the world’s biggest social network ended last week at a record high.

The surge elevated the 30-year-old’s net worth to $US33.3 billion, moving him past Mr Brin, 40, and Mr Page, 41, as well as Amazon.com chief executive Jeff Bezos, 50, on the Bloomberg Billionaires Index.

Mr Zuckerberg is No. 16 on the ranking. The Google founders are 17th and 18th. Mr Bezos occupies the 20th spot.

“He’s just getting started,” David Kirkpatrick, author of The Facebook Effect, said.

“He’s going to become the richest person on the planet.”

I knew I’d made the right choice. It all goes back to my old rationale- Why do those people deserve that kind of money? What have they invented that serves human beings and changes their lives in spectacular ways?

The average nurse improves more lives in more dramatic ways than any of those men…

and they will never be billionaires…or even millionaires.