I had a lover
the best better than average lover
but he changed
in mysterious ways revealed his true self (and voted for trump)
Life is different now (I can do what I want, when I want and not have to cater to his needs)
I am alone (again) (in my own house)
In fact I will contend that it was in the top 5 worst years of my whole life. And when you compare it with the year my parents got divorced and the year I found out (with three small children) that my husband of 15 years was addicted to heroin that’s some pretty stiff competition.
I’m not sure if i mentioned how it started – although technically it was the last week of 2015 it set the whole year off with a bang…or should I say squeak.
My then boyfriend, roommate, potential soulmate left for Christmas to visit his family on the east coast-totally fine, his parents are getting old and he wants to spend time with them. What wasn’t fine is that we had seen a few mice before he left and with his usual carefree, nothing will go wrong attitude he said he would wait til he got back to call an exterminator.
I’m all for taking responsibility and in this case I failed to express my very deep disgust for mice.
So we both have our nice respective Christmases except the day after he is still with his family but I am alone in his apartment. So, feeling a little lonely I take a nap and then go to run a bath. As I glance at the sink, I see this:
Now I don’t have great vision these days but I know something is up so I get closer to see what this is and of course what it is is a mouse-in the bathroom sink!
I text this photo to boyfriend and this is where his supreme lack of concern takes on epic proportions-he replies “How cute!”
By the time he realizes that was probably not the best choice of responses I have my bags packed waiting for my sons to pick up my stuff.
This becomes the 2016 “mouse incident”. It becomes my go to example of how little regard he has for me.
At this time we are co-owners of a medical cannabis associated business which is having lots of issues and everything becomes more complicated and strained since we don’t talk to each other for most of January and February.
He periodically takes sides against me in the business and resorts to screaming at me and criticizing my lack of business knowledge-I’m just a “government worker”–I don’t have any management skills…even though I was only supposed to be an investor and have a full time job already.
By April, we kind of make up and I have surgery looming so he mans up and says he will take care of me afterward especially since I wasn’t able to drive for 6 weeks. The surgery went as well as could be expected but hey, surgery is not pleasant under any circumstances.
The undercurrent throughout this whole period is of course the presidential campaign and for whatever crazy reason my hippie peace loving boyfriend was enamoured and sucked in to the Trump bullshit. I really just ignored most of it thinking that he was either A) trying to get a rise out of me or B) just wanting attention by posting Trump shit on facebook. Either way, I tried to ignore it and honestly I don’t care who people voted for but I draw the line at listening to fake news at breakfast. Some of the insane items he tried to force down my throat were 1) Hilary had a neurological condition 2) Michelle Obama was a man 3)Michelle Obama never gave birth 4) of course Barack Obama was not born in the US 5) climate change is not real…
I give him credit for taking some good photos of my incision, 
picked me up promptly from work~~~~but I still did an awful lot for myself and for him during that time.
The other shoe dropped on July 15, 2016. the day of the attempted coup d’etat in Turkey. we were with his son at Chipoltle and still taking in the whole situation. Again keeping in mind that I lived in Turkey for one year, I have friends there and I just visited in 2015 and he knows that. He went on to tell his son that everyone who had been killed in the coup were Muslims and nobody should be surprised because the Koran tells Muslims to “kill”. WTF??? what the bloody fucking hell??
On the way home when I expressed my displeasure at his total disregard for facts and disputed his broad sweeping generalizations…he screamed at me me that I was “naive” and not as informed as him.
Again, I packed my belongings and left while he laid on the sofa playing with his phone. no apology. Later his excuse was that he’s Italian, he shouts, get over it.
in addition to this drama, my daughter got a divorce and my brother was undergoing chemo and all that associated palova.
The year has ended-the business has closed and I am single. i recently told my ex that I used to put up with bullshit in relationships, I have been trapped in unhappy relationships because of financial/legal constraints but no more. I have a home, a home he refused to live in and rarely even visited.
2017 is off to a good start. I got a bonus at work based on an excellent performance review, got a big fat tax refund, recovered some of the money I lost on the business and enjoying my grandson. I have a few vacation plans swirling around in my head~~
My brother backed out of our camping trip. afterward he said it was because he didn’t feel like traveling with my new ex boyfriend but I have no doubt that it was because I lost my temper and called him out on his selfish behavior.
Last week I reached my limit with my boyfriend-besides having some wonderful qualities and generally taking very good care of me after my surgery he has a very irritating superiority complex which turns verbally abusive at times.
That’s two men bullying me around…and I’m no fucking wallflower.
My brother is still sick-very sick with Stage 4 tongue cancer-Nothing has changed there. His second round of chemo was delayed 2 weeks but has been completed. He is thin, struggles to eat and can’t really get out much due to the sun and heat.
Now that I am back living with him the full extent of his life is becoming clear. He seems to want to chat but I am grieving the end of my relationship and not really in a shoot the shit kind of mood. I try to avoid coming home after work and hide in my room the rest of the night
Last Tuesday night, I came home and surprisingly my brother did not make a beeline to me as soon as I hit the door. I set up a new air conditioner and went to his room to show him the new equipment. I found him slumped in his chair almost unresponsive. He did get up and stumbled to the kitchen, slurred his words, looked like he was going to fall over. I spent the rest of the night waiting for the “thud” when he fell to the ground.
I assumed he doubled up on his pain meds-who can blame him?
His long period of near coma must have been very restful because he was up at 5.30 the next morning re-arranging the furniture! he came in my room about 6.45 with a full breakfast on a tray….very nice gesture but not well received.
On the next 3 days I came home from work to find the furniture re-arranged. I finally told him I am unnerved to come home and have things changed for no reason. I found some stuff in my son’s apartment and when I brought it back – my brother said “oh, you wanted that there?”
Argggghhhh! I do the same dance to accommodate everyone else’s preference but this is gradually coming to an end. Cancer or no Cancer!!
This break up stuff is hard. I’m somewhere between denial and bargaining.
It would be so easy to just give in…he tried very hard to put lots of excuses and corrections to what I’ve said. It would be so easy to just suppress my feelings, forget those subtle but stinging comments.
When I was young I was more than happy to embrace my boyfriend/husbands life-his likes and dislikes, agree with his version of the world and always make the necessary changes to keep everyone happy.
I’m way past that.
The reality is that if I walk away from this relationship, I will die a single woman.
There will be no more relationships. This one was a lucky fluke but I won’t be putting myself out there again.
I’m working on plans/projects for the next few months. Isn’t that what they say you should do?
Single again. My choice.
Am I happy? NO!
I am sad, lost and disappointed but it feels right because I am no longer at his beck and call.
I have my time back….what I do with that time is another story.
It is stunningly, gloriously warm here in Chicago today!! I came home from work and watered my plants,
sat in the garden with cleo and started digging up the millions of dandelions in my lawn
He already text saying that he assumes I will not be picking him up at the airport tonight. Not LOL.
I just need to stay strong one day at a time.
I have ended a few relationships, I have probably been dumped twice as many times. Through the many hard years of my separation I had a few songs that kept me going and I still go there~
This song came on the radio when I was chauffeuring my ex, I turned up the radio hoping he would get it…he didn’t
In the late 80’s, I craved independence, craved having a life, my life. I sang and danced this…
then there’s always this
this morning i happily offered to cook blueberry pancakes and bacon for a friend from work who lets say…..is going through a rough patch. i really, really enjoyed it and hope she did too!
in retrospect we talked about everything but the pesky problem …….. i heard that others were jealous and wished they’d been invited.
there is a trend and to save my life i can’t find a link to it….of people in the recession opening their house to others for a homecooked “gourmet” meal.
i am thinking that maybe i can do a breakfast version of that for tired nightshift nurses….
i’m taking bookings for november…..
whenever the man and i have been off~~in this on and off relationship~~there is never any arguing. …none of the shouting, screaming, crying of past relationships. just tense conversations followed by days of deafening silence…until one of us gives in and slowly we return to our former level of intimacy.
this time is different~~ we won’t be returning to us~~it’s just me… on my own… from now on.
AN ENGLISHWOMAN IN AMERICA
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Writer & Journalist
thoughts
Sharing my thoughts one blog at a time
New York Times-bestselling author
there is no "not enough light" there is only "not enough time"
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Théa Oz - Créations textiles
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My Little Piece of Art Done My Way
Changing the world, one tiny idea at a time
Life after Divorce
The inner fire 
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